The Cold Rock of Revenge
by Topclaw
Summary: Ron and Harry play a various amount of pranks on one another resulting in some very funny and sad(istic) outcomes. Chapter added
1. Trilogy of Ron

"Bring it on".

Ron, lying in his bed drifting into dream world sat up startled. Had he heard someone say 

"Bring it on"?

No, he couldn't of, why the hell would someone say "Bring it on"? 

It was absurd.

It was stupid.

It was-

"Ohhhhh" he distinctly heard Harry gasp.

What the?

He played the "Ohhhh" back in his head, that was not a startled "Ohhhh", nor a surprised 

"Ohhh" Ron could swear on his hyperactive owl's life that was a passionate "Ohhhh".

Oh great, Ron grumbled. He's wanking himself. Ron was tempted to yell "Get a Room" but he 

decided against it.

It wasn't morale

It was rude

And it was-

"Ahhhhhhh" he heard two voices moan simultaneously.

Holy Shit!

Was he...he..._doing it?_

He quietly pulled his curtains back and distinctly saw the base of the mattress go up and 

down, up and down.

Oh no!

Oh dear God no!

Oh Sweet Doodily Hankin Smankin Dear Bittersweet Ocean and Sky Mary Mother of Jesus 

No!

He was having sex.

But with who?

Hermione?

Ginny?

Lavender?

But before he could come to a definite conclusion (most likely Ginny) he distinctly four words 

that probably rose up from the bloody bowels of hell.

"I love you Draco".

This was more than Ron could take. The room started spinning and he suddenly felt faint, he 

started screaming hysterically.

He didn't care if it woke the rest of Gryffindor up.

He was in hell.

Suddenly he heard wild laughing - and two people couldn't laugh as much as that.

He hopped out of bed and ripped the curtain away from the view that awaited him.

Neville, Seamus and Harry were rolling around laughing (fully clothed) on Harry's bed.

All Ron could do was give a lazy 'Huh?'

"You...thought" said Neville with a snort of laughter, "he was gettin' it on".

"Yeah" Harry agreed. But his face suddenly twisted into an ugly frown, "with Malfoy, it took a 

lot of self reassurance, but I convinced myself into playing the part".

Finally Ron uttered the words "You bloody bastards".

The threesome cracked into another fit of laughter.

Now, although many people would be pissed after getting tricked like that, Ron was actually 

relieved. For you see, he had a feeling that if Harry had been 'doing it' with Malfoy, he knew 

somehow he'd get most of the blame for Harry's choice of lifestyle. But worse, he they 

accused him, they'd think that he was...he was...homosexual (which he wasn't of course).

"Bloody hell, you could of killed me"! Ron snapped.

"Oh come on, you know I like -" but he cut off as he realised Ron _didn't_ know who the object of 

his affection was.

"Go on..." Ron said eagerly.

But before Harry could tell Ron to fuck off and mind his own business a quiet voice cut in and 

said "Cho Chang".

Everybody jumped! Leaning casually on Ron's Bed Post was Dean.

"You idiots wouldn't shut up and let me sleep".

"I know how you feel" Ron said, but then realised he had to use the juicy comment Dean just 

made.

"Cho Chang? The Ravenclaw Seeker?"

"Well" Harry stuttered. But even if he had denied it, they still would of seen him blushing in the 

darkness.

They started mocking and teasing Harry but then a Prefect suddenly appeared and told them 

to shut up and go to sleep.

Once again falling asleep, Ron decided he was going to settle the score with Harry, even if he 

had to blackmail Harry with the 'trivia' on Cho Chang.


	2. Chapter 2 Hermione's Magic

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT! Hermione sang in a conga rhythm. "What's up your arse?" Ron enquired knowing she had a problem not because of the way she was talking, but because she had only swore once when a piece of debris had come flying out of Neville's cauldron hitting her on the back.(Snape had taken 35 points off her). "My History of Magic assignment, I swear I left it on the table last night, it's due in today, I can't let Binns down. Ohhhhhhh that took a lot of time." She replied. "It's probably at Hagrid's" Ron said. "Now, Moving on, I need you to help me get revenge on..." "Hagrid! Of course!" She gave Ron a peck on the cheek at ran off at full throttle. "Bitch!" Ron proclaimed. "She didn't even help me!" Eating kippers at the Slytherin table, Draco Malfoy, a racist boy with peroxide yellow hair spotted Hermione running like a very fast troll was in close pursuit. "Run MudBlood, Run" He half-snickered, half-yelled ducking so a teacher wouldn't see him. Without a second glance, Hermione held her wand over her shoulder and yelled 'cutus'. The decorated Christmas Tree behind Malfoy lost its balance and fell on and Goyle and Malfoy. They both gave loud shreaks as it smothered them. (Crabbe managed to jump out of the way at the last minute. He landed on a second year who had to spend 3 days at the infirmary). Hermione in her mad rush, didn't notice the Man in tattered robes coming through the main door. Crunch! They collided. Hermione bounced back and landed on her back while the man staggered around blindly before landing in the broom cupboard. "Watch where your goin' ya stupid git", he yelled as soon as he managed to get out of the broom closet on two feet. Hermione would of apologised - but she was lying on her back kicking her legs like a poisoned cockroach, even if she hadn't got winded, the weight of her shoulder bag dragged her down. The man sighed and offered his hand she took it and with a lot of effort, managed to pull her up. "Gawd, what do ya have in your bag, a bloody Rewaters Dragon" (ironically a close relation to the Norwegian Ridge Back). "Books and..." she cut off "Who are you?" "The exorcist". "Exorcist, for what" "Dumbledore sent me to sedate Peeves the Poltergeist, said he's been worse than ever, I offered to have him depoltergeisted or removed, but he said it livened the place up, kind of mad that fool..." But it was too late, Hermione had already picked her wand up, and was sprinting full speed towards Hagrid's. She burst in the hut. "HAGRID!" "Garr"! Hagrid fell off his bed and fell on a small chair. "Bloody hell, it's polite to knock fir..." "Got it!" She screamed in blissful joy. "What's the time, Oh" She held out her wand "Timus". A thin wand of smoke came from her wand forming the numerals 9:17. "Ahhhhhh, I'm late" she screamed. She ran off at full speed. "Nice to see you too" Hagrid mumbled grumpily. Breathing fast, Hermione ran like there was no tomorrow. Just ahead in her line of vision, she saw some kind of magazine. "No time to see" she thought "better move so I don't slip over". But it was too late. She slipped over and for the second time she landed on her back. She started to weep. 


End file.
